Back in the world of our first kid, Ben has several new obsessions, and while we haven’t completely moved on from garbage trucks, fire trucks, and trains, they have definitely taken a backseat for a while. Now it’s everything Spider Man, Power Rangers, and Star Wars. We’ve now watched the Star Wars trilogy multiple times the past few weeks, and I have seen the entire first season of “Power Rangers Samauri” in like 4 days. Star Wars came from gifts Santa Clause brought over Christmas, but the Power Rangers were introduced by accident when we visited some friends last summer, when their son was going through his own obsession. And apparently once you see it, you don’t forget it. Ben has talked about it ever since!

But it doesn’t come without some awesome moments. Like Ben being obsessed with the Michael Buble version of the Spider Man theme song, which he knows all the words to:

Love it!

He’s been getting better about throwing tantrums since baby arrived. We still have a long way to go, but it at least gives me hope that he WILL be ok eventually.

It’s been fairly quiet here while I’ve been on maternity leave. Ben’s class prepared a “mom’s day” breakfast in honor of Mother’s Day this weekend, and their kids performed a skit to “Blue Suede Shoes”. Apparently Ben did not inherit my performing bug though because he did not want ANY part of it, just like at Christmas (and his daycare graduation).

Maybe it will come out eventually ;) We only have 3 more weeks of maternity leave left, and we are visiting Joe’s family over Memorial Day weekend so everyone can meet Juliet. So begins our travelling year! We have trips every month this year through the New Year… so I might as well get my suitcases ready now. It will be an adventure, and I hope baby girl is as good a traveler as her big brother was!

I’m also looking forward to starting back on Weight Watchers once I reach six weeks post partum. Only one more week and I can safely start a weight loss program without worrying that it will interfere with breastfeeding. I also made a goal with my friend Jackie. I ran a half marathon back in 2005 in Baltimore, and swore I’d never do it again. But I’ve gotten the running itch again, and there is a “new” half marathon here in DC sponsored by Nike. It’s the “Nike Women’s Half Marathon” and the best part? At the finish line you are greeted by men in tuxedos who hand you a Tiffany’s blue box with your finishers necklace/medal in it. With that kind of motivation, we’re going to aim to run it next year. Of course, we’ll see how it goes once I’m actually cleared for training, but a year should be plenty of time :) I’m up about 20 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight… which is 20 lbs above where I was pre-pregnancy with Ben, and 20 lbs where I SHOULD be for a healthy weight. So I’m aiming for 20 lbs first, then another 20, then my final goal, somewhere around 65 lbs total to lose. I’ve done it before, and I can do it again… it will just take a little more tweaking this time to make sure I don’t lose too fast (and to make sure it doesn’t affect my milk supply).

I can’t wait to get back into the running groove… I really missed it! Thankfully my work has a workout room for employees that includes a treadmill and weight machines. I have no excuses not to get myself into shape this year! I definitely want Ben and Juliet to have a good role model!

(Benjamin is 4 years 4 months 3 weeks 5 days old and Juliet is 1 month 3 days old)

Eventually I’ll start posting the baby updates over here, but for now, it’s easier to keep all her photos at the baby 2.0 site :)

Welcome, baby Juliet!

For this just now hearing the news, Juliet Christine was born at 1:25pm, on 4/8, weighing 11 lbs 9 oz and measuring 22 inches. For comparison, Ben was 11 lbs 7 oz, and measured 21 inches. I thought she’d be smaller as a girl, but nope, she passed her big brother! So crazy!

We’re all doing wonderfully, and enjoying the time off together :) Here’s hoping these next few weeks don’t fly by!

(Benjamin is 4 years 4 months 5 days old and Juliet is 1 week 5 days old)

Tomorrow is the big day, and tonight will be our last night as a 3 person family. I am a bundle of nerves… excited to meet my baby girl and welcome her to our family. Nervous and anxious that everything will go well with surgery and recovery. Sad because I know Ben will no longer be my “only” and I will have to share my attention with him (which will be hard for both of us at first). But overall, happy… I know our lives will forever change tomorrow and sleeping will be tough tonight!

To keep my mind off the nerves part, I went through all my photos from the past week. We had an amazing Easter, and Ben started T-Ball! My parents arrived the Thursday before Easter, and then Joe’s mom arrived on Saturday for the holiday, and to help us out a little. We were still recovering from all our illnesses and bumps and bruises, and my mom also brought with her a cold she was getting over. We still had a great time that morning, and Ben definitely believed the Easter Bunny had been to our house!

Cool spiderman cup that lights up!

Which of course we had to test out :)

Eating our eggs we dyed with Grandma

Fun new toys from Gigi!

Even baby Juliet had a good Easter! Such sweet clothes!

Fun eggs :)

After breakfast, we made our way to our friend’s house for an amazing brunch, and they went all out for the kids, including setting up an Easter Egg Hunt! Thankfully the rain held off just in time, and we made it out there and they had a blast! The kids were so excited to start, and huddled around the door trying to spot some before they were allowed to run out :)

Ben was ready!!

And yes, that is a camera he’s holding ;)

Wouldn’t be complete without a few grass stains on our nice clothes ;)

Started to rain a little as we left, but Ben was prepared :)

We then made our way up to Aunt Signe’s for dinner, and hung out with all of the cousins! Twins Frances and Grace were in rare form, and loved putting their “bunnies” under their bellies so they could have babies just like me ;) Baby Moses was teething, but still managed a few smiles, and even baby Ajanja showed up! I couldn’t handle all the cuteness!

Ben holding onto his toy snakes that he held the ENTIRE night :)

The super fun book from Aunt Sue “Press Here” that she read and the kids really loved!!

It was a long, but wonderful day. Since it was my last week of work before the start of my maternity leave, and Ben was on vacation from school for Spring Break, I was really thankful to have the extra help from my parents and Joe’s mom! Ben got a trip to the zoo with Nonna and Aunt Signe, and then they all started working on the new swing set that we bought from Costco. I know Joe appreciated all the help because there was no way he would have gotten all of that completed by himself!

By the time the weekeend rolled around, we were all excited for Ben to participate in his first T-Ball practice! He’s on the 4yr old team with “Sports on the Hill”, and overall, he had a great time. We did have some inevitable tears when he couldn’t do something right away and got frustrated… but it will just take some time before the whole “team” idea takes root, and he builds up some confidence. He did come away happy and talks about his new “team”. Apparently they will get colors and an official team name (fashioned after a real MLB team). Should be fun, and I hope even with baby girl we’ll get to see a few more practices with him! Forgive the quality of these photos… I was exhausted, and didn’t move around a whole lot… and I really need practice shooting in full sun!

Frustrated tears :(

Hitting the ball!

Running the bases :)

Team cheer!

And then finally, after working all week on finding the right spot, digging and leveling like crazy, and then assembling all the little pieces, the new swing set finally got set up! Huge thank you to my Dad, Joe, and Nonna for putting a lot of sweat and tears into getting this ready. Ben LOVES LOVES it and keeps talking about how all of his friends can come over and play on it :)

It was a beautiful day today, and to top it off, we also had a visitor from the woman who will be taking photographs tomorrow. We really regretted not having a professional photographer early for Ben, and didn’t want to make that mistake twice. Sarah from My Point of You Photography came over to meet Ben and the family, and she’s capturing baby girl’s arrival and hopefully meeting Ben for the first time. I can’t wait! Ben loved her, and I know just from her portfolio and from the few photos she snapped of Ben today, they are going to be wonderful!

So now, we just wait, and I try to sleep tonight :) Bags are packed, rooms are ready, schedules are set. Wish us luck tomorrow, and I can’t wait to introduce baby girl!! Look for an update around 1pm, our surgery is scheduled for 12:30pm, and we’ll be there bright and early! :)

(Benjamin is 4 years 3 months 3 weeks 3 days old and baby girl is 39 weeks 2 days growing)

Today was one of the hardest I’ve been through. We knew this day would come sooner than later, and today, we said goodbye to our wonderful baby, Lily. We watched her closely this week, and each day as she regressed a little more, we knew it was time. She had progressed to the point where she no longer could navigate around the house (we think vision in both eyes were now affected), she seemed confused and weak, had trouble standing on her own, and didn’t even flinch when we mentioned “treats” or “hungry”. She no longer wagged her tail, and seemed to be so, so tired. She was tired of fighting.

I called on Saturday to make an appointment when it was clear that it was the right thing to do, and then prepared ourselves to say our final goodbyes. It was the hardest call I’ve had to make, and all weekend it clouded my thoughts to think about her leaving.

As the weather turned warmer this weekend, I took her outside and also looked for my opportunity to capture some final photos of her. She’s so beautiful, even when she’s sick and not feeling like herself. She picked this spot Sunday afternoon. Words can’t express how much I love this dog, and how much my heart aches with missing her.

This morning we got Ben ready for school, and then Joe dropped him off while I stayed with Lily for a few more hours. He met me back at home, and we rode to the vet’s with Lily together. The hardest goodbye I’ve ever had to face. She went to sleep peacefully, finally relaxing and getting the rest that she needed, with Joe and I by her side.

It’s the small moments that are the hardest. The treat jar on the shelf, her favorite ball in the corner. The quiet of the house. No more padding of her feet, no more jingle of her collar. When I accidentally drop food on the floor, and look to call her to clean it up, and she’s not there. It’s the little things, that after nine years of having her underfoot and in my heart, that trigger the sadness all over again. She was so much a part of my life and my family that it just feels so empty without her here. There is definitely a hole in my heart that will take a long time to heal.

To the “seat stealer”, “baby bean”, “fun police”, “crazy dog”, “pie stealer”, “bean-bean”, “baby dog”, “baby girl”, “lovey”, “lickey-dog”, “smiley”, and “sweetheart”… we love you so much, and our hearts are breaking without you. We know you are in a better place now, with no more pain, and no more sorrow. I long to see the day again where I can feel your licks on my face and rub your velvet ears once more.

I know somewhere up there someone is giving you lots of belly rubs and tennis balls to chew.

Goodbye, baby girl.

A bittersweet day today… 9 years ago today Lily was born at a breeder’s home in Massachusetts (family friend of a friend). We picked her up 9 weeks later, but I always celebrate her birthday on this day. So to the baby girl who the vet didn’t think would last until Christmas, Happy Birthday, you made it, old girl! :)

It’s bittersweet because though she is still here with us, and still coping with her tumor and the medication side effects, I know it’s most likely to be her last birthday. So last night I stayed up really late and fired up iMovie. I put together a slideshow of all my favorite photos of she and I, and later of her, Joe, and even Ben.

I hope you can see the love shine through that we have for her, and how happy she has made all of us:

We love you, Lily, and are so happy you are still here with us, short as your time may be.

(Benjamin is 4 years 1 month 3 weeks and 3 days old and baby girl is 31 weeks growing)

You know how they say that if you put an idea or a request out into the ethers, and if you visualize it (sort of a la “Law of Attraction”), it will come true? A few weeks back, I decided that for giggles, I’d put an ad out on Craigslist that said I was in search of a used camera. That if any photographers out there had recently upgraded their own camera, but had an older body sitting around, I had $100 to give them for said camera. I actually got some emails saying what a ridiculous request it was, that why don’t I “go buy a point and shoot” for that kind of money. Because no one believed that anyone had that big of a heart to generously donate an expensive DSLR “just because”.

Of course, these people have never heard of the wonderful women (and men!) at the ClickinMoms photography forum. I see that sort of generosity on a daily basis, from the abundance of business and technical knowledge and critiques that the professional ladies dole out, to the friendships and positive thoughts others provide. It was here, that I stumbled upon a “Pay it Forward” post. These posts are entirely about just paying generosity forward… and her gift was her used Canon 40D DSLR camera. The exact one I was asking for in my Craigslist post. You simply had to respond that you were interested, and she would do a random drawing to determine the winner.

Long story short, I won the random drawing, and am now awaiting my own Canon 40D camera!

Even though it was introduced way back in 2007, it’s still an upgrade from my current Canon Rebel XT. I love my Rebel, and even though it’s a “beginner’s” camera, it still took wonderful photos, and I feel like I know it inside and out. But I’ve long outgrown it, and have been attempting to save for a “newer” body. But with Lily’s health and a new baby, my camera priorities took a back burner. With this upgrade, the 40D will definitely bump me out of the “amateur” realm, and I’m so ready to take on that challenge of learning this new camera! I still don’t have any plans on going “pro”, but love taking my hobby up a notch!

Alicia of Alicia Gould Photography was the generous contributor, and she requested that my only requirement was to also pay it forward. So now I’m trying to find a way to pay this amazing generosity forward in my own way, in my own local community. So if you hear of any opportunities, let me know! And thank you again, Alicia, from the bottom of my heart… I’m so grateful for this camera!

(Benjamin is 3 years 11 months 1 week and 5 days old, and baby girl is 20 weeks 4 days growing!)

I would have thought that when Lily’s brain tumor was diagnosed, I would have realized that her time here was limited, come to terms with her inevitable death, and cried all I could cry. But denial is a powerful thing. Yes, I saw the tumor on the screen. Yes, I knew she had fallen over a few times, and wasn’t her true, normal self. The past few weeks though have been filled with so much love and fun times with Lily, taking her to parks, watching her wade around up north in the streams, and having her chase a ball or two in the back yard. We were so happy with her progress, that on Friday, the vet decided to try and dial down her dosage of the steroid she is on (prednisone). So instead of the 1 1/2 tablets she was getting, he wanted to try and just give her one per day.

At first, it was like Lily was almost 100% back. She was trotting, playing, and even barking at us again when we got to rowdy playing in the living room :) It was different than her normal bark, but still, it showed her spirit was still there. She even flipped over for a belly rub ;) We were riding high seeing her so happy, and it gave me huge optimism that she might last longer than everyone originally thought.

We woke up Wednesday morning to our dreams crashing down. Lily had declined so rapidly overnight, that she couldn’t even stand. When she tried, she fell, her head tilted, and her eyes looked like she had spun in circles too many times and couldn’t focus. It was awful. I immediately started crying. Ben saw my tears, and came over and in his sweet little voice told me not to be sad, and kissed my cheek. I love that kid. I pulled myself together, and waited for the vet to return my phone call. Joe announced he would stay home with her for as long as he could, until we had instructions on what else to do. We hand fed her some food (her lab appetite never quits), and I left to drop off Ben at school.

Waiting at work, the vet finally returned my phone call and told me to give her an extra dose of prednisone, but warned me that unfortunately, she’s progressing as we all knew she inevitably would, and the double dose of meds might not be enough to bring her back. I broke down at work, and finally had to excuse myself to come home. We made an appointment to bring her in the next morning, and in my head, I thought it was an appointment to say goodbye.

By the time I picked up Ben from school, and Joe had returned to work, Lily was miraculously standing, without falling over. Her eyes were back to normal, and she seemed wobbly, but mostly stable. I couldn’t believe it. In the same amount of time that she had declined, she had just as quickly recovered. She was tired, but could at last rest.

So at the checkup the next morning, the vet was happy to see that she had improved, but again warned us that another relapse was inevitable. It could be days or weeks, but she will eventually have another horrible episode, if not worse, than we saw on Wednesday. We discussed surgery, but with the recovery being so hard, and her extended quality of life being poor and limited, we opted not to pursue that option.

Later that day, I took Lily outside for a few more photos. The sun was shining, and Lily was smiling and enjoying the slight chill in the air. My heart is so heavy with sadness at the thought that our goodbye is coming so soon, but it’s also so, so thankful that I get a little more time with her, to show her how much we love her.

Our plan is to take it day by day, be thankful for every extra day we get to spend with her, and understand that her next episode means that it’s finally time to say goodbye. It will be one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, but it’s all we can do, to ease her suffering.

Love you, Lily.

Ben is 3 years 10 months 3 weeks 4 days old

Most people have already heard from my post on Facebook. We took Lily for her MRI yesterday afternoon, and the news isn’t good. She has a tumor, a big one, in the left side of her brain. It’s been there for quite a while, and it explains all the issues with her right side (the weakness, the sight problems, the clumsiness). I should find out today what type of tumor it is (carcinoma or papilloma), and whether surgery could help her recover. However, even if surgery IS an option, I’m really not hopeful that we can afford it. I asked the doctor about medication, and she is going to take a dose of prednisone (steroid) and prilosec, to help with the fluid and the swelling. That should help a little bit, but even with the medication, the tumor is so big that the neurologist said she has at most a few weeks, maybe months left. So basically, she’ll probably be gone by Christmas, if not earlier.

I’m so devastated, I don’t even know how to describe my feelings fully. We had a really awful night last night, and today my eyes look like I have hay fever. I was in the waiting room with Ben, while we waited for them to retrieve Lily from the MRI… and he spotted a magazine with a yellow lab and two kids on the cover. He ran over and said “look Mama, it’s Lily! That’s my doggie! I want my doggie!” and it took all I had not to collapse and lose it in the clinic. I’m happy he will remember her, but it makes it so much harder knowing he will miss her, too.

I held it together until Joe got home, but this is so, so hard. She has been a part of my family for 8 years… travelled with me all over, and given our whole family such wonderful joy. We all love her so much… our house and my heart are going to feel so empty.

We have already decided to make her last few weeks as fun as possible… spoil her rotten, basically. I’m hoping she makes it to our trip to New York for Columbus Day weekend, as she loves, loves it up there, roaming free and swimming.

It’s just going to be so very, very hard to tell her goodbye.

I love you, Lily Bean.

If anyone has any tips or advice on dealing with grief over losing a pet… I’m all ears.